Power struggles in marriage and intimate relationships.
Hi,
Here is my latest piece on power struggles that commonly occur in intimate relationships. I hope you find it helpful. Please see the other article I have for couples on my website as well as information on couples counseling and marriage counseling on the “Sevices” page of my website: www.maxinegower.com
I also have other articles on my site on adolescents, parents, grief/loss, fertility and aging and separation/divorce under the “Articles” heading or you can navigate to these articles from the “Services” page. (Simply click on “Services” tab above.)
Power Struggles in Marriage/Intimate Relationships.
When we come from our respective families, we have different ways of seeing, being and acting. Our differences can be both interesting and stimulating, as well as hard to comprehend and difficult to tolerate. We come to our marriages/relationships with beliefs and sets of assumptions that can be very different from those of our partners and this is where some interpersonal difficulties can arise. When the differences inevitably surface, it is not uncommon for a power struggle over whose way is best, or “right”, to begin.
What typically happens in these situations is that one or both members of a couple will automatically put forth their approach to the situation as if that is the obvious way to deal with things. How we approach situations and how skillful we are makes all the difference in how things will turn out in a particular instance as well as how things will feel in the relationship in general. How we work out our differences can make or break a marriage/relationship.
What do we think, feel or do when our partners says “this is how it is” or “this is how this should work”?
Do we get upset and do things begin to escalate as we feel unheard or that our opinion does not count?
Do we tell them that they are wrong and that our way is right?
Do we put them down (implying that they are stupid in this regard or in general)?
A typical cycle of communication for many couples can include one or more of the above. One person demands or dictates (or is perceived to be demanding or dictatorial) and the other responds with hurt or outrage and a power struggle often ensues. The next typical phase of the power struggle is defense and or attack, followed by more defense and attack and the marriage/relationship is on it’s way to being weakened and trust eroded.
The reason for “defense and attack responses” has much to do with our histories and how we have been treated in the past. Triggers in the present often cause us to react in current situations as if we are still in the past. If for example we felt powerless or somehow devalued in the past, a current power struggle may bring back old feelings and we will fight or withdraw in order or keep from feeling those old, horrible feelings. So, we typically feel like attacking (fighting) or distancing (avoiding). Both of these positions, sometimes referred to as victim or victimizer, put a strain on marriages/relationships.
In Marriage Counseling we are looking to find a way out of this predictable and pernicious cycle. It is a place to look at the good, the bad and the ugly in ourselves in an environment that is safe and conducive to exploring who we are and how come we act in the ways that we do. It is a place to educate ourselves about what is really going on within ourselves and with our partners. It is a place to understand and take responsibility for the effects of our behavior rather than blaming or attacking our partners.
I help couples to identify and work with the dynamics that show up in their relationships. I use a direct yet gentle approach so that no one feels blamed or singled out for criticism in the couples counseling. In my 18 years as a therapist, I have noticed that when couples learn to talk honestly and calmly about themselves and what is going on between them, in ways that can be heard, that trust and reconnection can be reistablished .
Once the ground of respect, openness and curiosity are back in place, (or there for the first time) then repair, rebuilding and love can again (or for the first time) be the foundation of the marriage/relationship.
